What Is Love?

We use the word “love” to describe many things and experiences: “I love coffee,” “I love my wife,” “I love my friends.”

There are similarities and differences between these kinds of love. You (hopefully) don’t love your husband or wife the same way you love your hamster. But there’s a common experience of goodwill and desire for union with another that both kinds of love entail.

Can we even define love in light of these different experiences? St. Thomas Aquinas speaks of four types of love, so let’s examine these.

1. Love is an emotion.
By “emotion,” St. Thomas means a movement of our external and internal senses toward something perceived as good and desirable. We take in data from our environment — the scent of flowers in the breeze, the face of a family member, or the taste of a delicious breakfast. These experiences elicit a response in us — desire — so that we can engage with, and profit from, them.

St. Thomas further describes this type of love as complacency in the good; i.e., pleasure. We recognize that the good thing obtained perfects us in some way.

For example, your friends perfect you and shape your life by being a source of comfort and strength and by challenging you to become the best version of yourself.

2. Love is a choice.
Because we are rational animals, we aren’t captive to all the goods that present themselves to our senses. A man may meet a woman whom he could marry, but he isn’t forced to marry her.

This type of love engages our free will in selecting what will help us meet our ultimate goals. When considering whom to marry, you choose the man or woman you think you’re most compatible with.

There are two movements of the soul connected to love as a choice: benevolence (to will the good) and beneficence (to do the good).

Forgiveness is a good example. We don’t feel affection for those who hurt us, but we can choose to forgive them.

3. Love is a relationship.
Love is shared between two or more people. According to Aristotle, friendship is willing the good of the other AND willing union with them. It’s a mutual giving and receiving of love.

Further, the relationship is based on some sharing or communication in the good. The nature of the good shared then determines the quality of the friendship. In the case of spouses it may be children, or in the case of buddies it may be a common enthusiasm for sports.

4. Love is a gift.
Here we’re talking about charity, which is our share in God’s divine life. Our Lord doesn’t merely give us good things, He gives us Himself! With charity, we’re acting with God’s own love for Himself and us.

Charity is the chief virtue and properly orders all the other virtues so that they lead to the right kind of love for God, neighbor, and self. We can’t act in this supernatural way without God gifting it to us

Not all of these loves are equal. For example, charity is more important than affectionate feelings. But all are important and play a role in our lives. Embrace them all, and let them lead you to Love Himself!